BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Scampered Away From His Shadow Like A Little Bitch And Locked Us Into 6 More Weeks Of Winter
I've covered the number one predictive source for weather here at Barstool for years now and would usually go on a long diatribe about a tier 5 mammal (at BEST) sentencing us to another 1.5 months of bone-chilling weather. But I'm too worn out from the last couple of years to get too fired up, so instead I will just hope Phil lives in a personal hell for the rest of his remaining days. Ironically, being woken up from your long slumber by a bunch of mamalukes in top hats, lifted into the air, then being paraded around in front of a crazed crowd sounds about as close to hell as it can get. Maybe that's why he twisted the knife inside of us today. Well played Phillip, you overgrown rat.
That being said, I have nothing but #RE2/2PECT for the people that both attend and perform at Gobbler's Knob in the very early hours leading up to Phil's meteorology death sentence every single year because they have to be some of the most beautifully wacky people on the planet to do shit like this before the sun rises.
I will again maintain that we really need to send Barstool's strangest minds to Punxsutawney, PA next February with a camera crew and see what happens. Electric content guaranteed. I also have decided to throw an asterisk on this prediction since the guy who read the scroll lost his spot reading and may have just made up the rest of the proclamation as he felt the weight of thousands of eyes in person and millions streaming around the world lock in on him. I also may just be saying this because I have two kids that need to be able to play on their playground soon because we are all going stir crazy inside.
Anyway, what's done is done. Now please join me in watching the cinematic classic, Groundhog Day (in cut up YouTube videos since I couldn't find a free copy online).